On Waking and Remembering

“Ill as a hornet” was how my adopted mom described me upon waking from naps as a kid. I remember the feeling well. I still feel it when I wake up from a nap, or sometimes in the mornings, like now. It is grief, it is pain, it is anger, it is sadness. There are Five Phases of Adoption Issues and I have gone through these phases multiple times in my life. I’m currently stuck in the third. Again.

  1. No Awareness/Denying Awareness (Ignorance is Bliss): The adoptee has a sense of obligation and gratitude toward the adoptive parents. There is no overt acknowledgment of adoption issues. Adoption is considered a positive influence on the adoptee’s life.
  2. Emerging Awareness (Curiosity Killed the Cat): The adoptee views adoption as a positive influence on his or her life and also recognizes some adoption issues
    (e.g., has a curiosity about birth family, yearns for closeness, experiences a void, has a sense of not belonging) but is hesitant to explore these issues.
  3. Drowning in Awareness(Ill as a Hornet/Mad as Hell): The adoptee has feelings of anger, resentment, and sadness about the adoption. The adoptee is focused on losses in adoption, as well as anger toward the adoptive parents, birth parents, and/or the adoption system.
  4. Reemerging From Awareness (Rising From the Ashes): The adoptee recognizes the losses in adoption and problems with the adoption system but also recognizes the gains from adoption. The adoptee is attempting to bring acceptance and integration to adoption issues.
  5. Finding Peace (Let It Be): The adoptee has worked through adoption issues and feels at peace about adoption or is moving toward peace.

-taken from Five Phases of Adoption Issues

Surely I am not the only adoptee that feels like she misses her mom with every cell of her being every day all of her life from the very beginning. In my mind’s eye and in my heart, I see and can feel my whole body shaking with anger and sadness at being left alone for the first three days of my life. Grief is my homeostasis; it comforts me because it’s my initial, most significant life emotion.

I miss her so much right now and I would give anything to feel the love that only she could provide, that cellular, unconditional love that I only briefly got to experience.

One Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.